Thursday, October 11, 2012

On Choosing A Path, Or I Never Was Good At Playing The Damsel In Distress

I find myself in a very peculiar situation.

All my life, I've set fairly concrete goals for myself and have had some sort of plan to go about achieving them.

First, there was school, the goal for which was graduation. Pretty straightforward.

Then, it was my time in the military. Do the time, get the job experience and the college money, and get out. Also, very direct plan.

There was a bit of an interim, during which I was married, and we kind of went where his work was, but I still had in the back of my mind a plan to go to college.

Then, there was college. The grand achievement: get a degree in voice performance because you can. And I did. I proved to myself that I could do it.

But then what?

That was the big goal. The one thing I *knew* I would do and knew how to go about accomplishing it.

But now, it's all very ambiguous.

I know I want to pursue a career in performance. I would prefer a career in film. I love performing and I thrill at the idea of doing it for the rest of my life.

But there's no "this is how it is done" for this field. Sure, you audition, you get an agent, you audition and audition and audition... Those are the guidelines. But those are very loose guidelines, and most of the potential for success is determined not by your level of preparation or your skill, but by being in the right place at the right time or knowing the right people.

In short, I have very little control over how successful I can be.

And that terrifies and frustrates me.

I have spent most of my life holding myself responsible for my success, or, what's more, being held responsible for my success. In school, they tell you that if you work hard and do your homework, you will be rewarded by good grades and success. In most fields, that's a pretty effective model. You get a job, you do your work, and you get rewarded with promotion or whatever.

And I imagine that is how it is to an extent in performance in that if you slack off and don't carry your part, you don't continue to get work.

Doing the job doesn't necessarily guarantee you'll get work In the future, though.

And in most other jobs, you're not likely to miss out getting the job if you don't "look right."

And there's no real support system out there to aid people new to the business and help to insure their success. Unless you happen onto the right person who is willing to help you, you're SOL.

Seriously, you guys, it's maddening.

I am so accustomed to knowing my course. I have a plan and I know how it's gonna go down. I'm used to relating very strongly to my sign, Sagittarius, the Archer. I am the arrow in flight, confident of my course and sure of my destination.

Lately, I've felt more like driftwood, tossed about by the whims of the people around me and with no means of exerting my own will on my course.

I r frustrate. F'rlz.

What's even more frustrating is having no income to go about changing things, nor solid, reliable transport to affect change. So I'm stuck, caught in quicksand with no lifeline to pull myself out and no choice but to keep still until outside forces come to help.

Well, here's hoping a proper hero finds me before I devolve in to madness and render myself irrevocably un-save-able.

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