Sunday, August 26, 2012

On Unemployment, or What Am I Doing With My Life

So, I just finished my university time and have been looking for some sort of gainful employment since May.

Yeah, since May.

I'm really conflicted about this. Part of me is like, "Danielle, just go get a job at freakin' Taco Bell or something to at least have SOMETHING for right now."

But the other part of me is like, "Hey, I have four years of experience working in administration, and I have a Bachelor's degree. I should hold out for something that isn't going to cause my soul to shrivel up and die."

So I've been going back and forth between these two parts, trying to figure out the best thing to do. On the one hand, if I just get some job, I find it unlikely that I will get out of that job to go find another. I don't know if this is an ADHD thing or not, but I know that once I find a job, it is probable that that's the job I'll stick with rather than continuing to search. I think part of it is a matter of integrity. I'd feel bad getting a job and telling those people I would do that job only to turn around and drop them like a bad habit, possibly burning that bridge behind me.

I'm not saying all my thought processes are rational, here, but they are pretty compelling.

And also, floating around in all this job-related angst, is my drive to perform, which I can't do when I don't have a car or gas money to get to auditions or rehearsals or anything. It is fifty shades of suck, y'all.

One of the hardest days was the day I interviewed at a car dealership. Sure, it's a sales job, which ranks pretty high on the scale of jobs-that-will-devour-your-soul, but I'd have been making $2000 a month TO START which, given my job history, might as well be winning the lottery. It was sorely tempting.

The rub, as Hamlet might have called it, was that I would have had to be available 9am to 9pm Monday through Saturday. Which would leave me completely unable to have any sort of performance opportunities. Whatsoever.

Oh, the dilemma, how it burned.

And I walked away.

You might be thinking, "What the hell is wrong with you, woman?!" And I freely admit it was a job that could have had me set and provided me with a solid career.

But it would have been a career. A career in car sales.

Not music.
Not theater.
Not film.
Not anything for which I am passionate.

But more than that, performance is in my blood. It is my addiction. Without some sort of outlet, I wilt. I lose desire to do much of anything. As much as I know there are things I *should* do, very little appeals to me, which is frequently unhelpful because a lot of the things I should do, I don't have time to do when I'm in the midst of a show. But it really is times like these that remind me why I spent the time to get a degree in music. Sure, it seems like a useless piece of paper to you, but for me, it's a testament to my ability and my determination. I told myself I would do it, and I did. Dammit.

Performance is not just what I do; it's who I am. My drive to be a successful performer is one of my defining characteristics.

So I may be overweight. I may not be pretty in the conventional sense. But I am certainly not hideous, I have a driving passion for the art, and I am truly dedicated to achieving success.

So maybe I didn't work for a summer. Better things are on the horizon, so it is up to me to chase them.

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